.up next (time to grow up)

I normally try not to wite about my personal issues. Although sometimes, they need to be expressed. It's no big secret that the last 3 years have been trying for me. i wish i could say that i've put it all behind me but i honestly can't. sure. i finally got myself out of my hometown after 3 years of hiding from life. but i don't think i'm over the aftermath and discourse i experienced. i see it everywhere everyday. i see what kind of hell i caused for myself. i  can't blame others anymore knowing it was purely my own fault.

lately i've been thinking about everything that i did to bring the hell upon myself. and it comes down to one big thing: i was refusing to be a grown up. when i think back on  all of the partying i used to do, i am amazed i survided as long as i did on that path. i started thinking about how  every night of the week i had a different place to go and party and a different group of people to hang with. it was pretty much a set schedule of where i would be every night.

as someone with very severe codependancy issues, i hate being alone. in a crowded room, i can be totally alone but okay because there are others around. when i am in a room alone, i want nothing more than to be around someone else. growing up, i was fine being alone because i could live in my head in my own world. as a grown up, it's impossible to invent situations of happiness when you know, realistically, it isn't true. and once your eyes are open, you are in a silent cave of hell.

partying or hanging out with others i would drink a lot. not that i was an alcoholic; i'm definitely not. i only drink around others. but i am addicted to people. i have a starving need to be surrounded by people. normally, i am okay even if no one is talking to me but if they walk away, i panic. codependancy. it's hard. it is impossible to get over. it's so inplanted into my mind that people leave, that i cling hard to those around me. people make fun of me for crying alot. i don't cry because something ends; i get scared of being alone again.

i wish i could move past this issue and be the strong-willed and driven person i used to be. instead of waiting for a change in my life, i wish i could make it on my own. but i am too afraid. afraid of the rejection. afraid of the past. afraid of repeating past mistakes. afraid of landing in the same situation as before.

Boys Next Door

Last night was the Metropolitan Atlanta Theatre Awards (MAT Awards). A show i was in last summer (2007) was nominated for 7 awards including best overall production Play. I wsas even nomiated for my 10 minutes onstage in my 3 different roles.

I wasn't able to make it to the ceremony considering i am in Florida, however,  we were shut out of every acting award. But when it came to the big one, Best Overall Production - Play, we took top honors!

When we did the play last year, everyone in the cast knew we had something special going for us. If you've ever been in a theate production, you know what i'm talking about when i say "everything just came together." The entire cast gelled into one entity. I think it was because we knew the material of the play is somewhat difficult to bring to the stage without offending. If you're familiar with Tom Griffin's "The Boys Next Door" you know the play is about 4 mentally challenged roommates and their burn out social worker. You can see how the material could definitely offend if not done properly. Somehow, we all knew it was good, if not great.

Sadly we only had a 4 day run onstage. we could have easily ran it longer, if the playhouse had let us. I don't think any of us would have said no. it was so special. Opening night we were fortunate enough to have the local home for the mental challenged at the production without our knowledge. I believe that if we had known they were there, then we would have been worrying about offending. But the next day, a big letter came from the whole home telling us how much they had enjoyed our show. and how much it had touched them and their families.

we knew we had found something special. a friend of mine is a professional actor who has trained in many facets of the stage. he says "when you're onstage, each moment is like an easter egg." as in you find something new and special. "The Boys Next Door" was our easter egg and i am very proud to have been a part of something so perfect. 

Things we take for granted

If you know me and you know my past, you know that three years ago my life was not only upside-down, but inside out. I had no home to call my own. I had no car. I had no money. and i was 500 miles away from my family. it was miserable: the worst time of my life. the only thing i had was the comfort of a job.

Somehow, those days are coming back to me since i moved back to try it all over again.  I'm not homeless, per se. but i might as well be. Staying in an extended stay hotel, i have no address. no one can find me, if they need me. i can't get mail. it's a horrible feeling. it sucks being back in the same position i was in before i left. most people would be thrilled not having to deal with mail or mailboxes. but when you think about it: it's your lifeline to the world. it defines where you live and how you live your life.

Had an interview with Disney casting early this afternoon. Took forever. come to find out when i had left before 3 years ago, i had been given a conditional rehire status. no one had ever told me. then they're like "are you sure?" am i lying?? Seriously. They knew my situation at the time but gave me a conditional rehire status anyway for "Personal" reasons. no explanation. completely vague. how irritating. after waiting over an hour, even after making an appointment i was out of there in less than 10 minutes. how hurtful?!

i had to be at Universal by 5pm for orientation. Again, the no address thing comes back to hit me again. "We need a physical address." I'm lectured. "I don't have one. I just got here a week ago and am staying in a hotel." flashbacks of 3 years ago. too much. too much.

i want to be here so badly, however, what's the point if the place i want to be will never take me back.

Audition #1

 Honestly, who gets their first job on their first audition? It happened. I was lucky. I AM lucky. It isn't a huge gig but definitely something fun.

The audition notice came 3 days ago in my email. I looked at the calenda and said "That's it. I'm going." Last night i drove over to Universal Studios. I just got  into town last Thursday night so i didn'y have a job yet. I really needed this job, regardless of pay or anything else. I just needed the job. the calll was 6pm last night. when i got the

re at 5:45, the line alread stretched halfway down the block. as i parked and joined in, the line got even longer. seriously, you would have thought Ryan Seacrest was going to be there with cameras saying "this is American Idol." But it was just an audition for Halloween Horror Nights at Universal Orlando. It took forever.

After the crazy line, where everyone started chatting with the people around them, we were put into groups of 10. Luckily, i started with a couple of Disney kids, one reminded me an awful lot of Snow White. We all hung together all through the paperwork, the photos, etc.. Then came even more waiting. (Just like any audition) this time in a large conference room filled with hundreds of people. Chatting with the Disney kids, we were all beginning to get the pre-audition panic. Time dragged. I wanted food. Some guy had "slid" into the only vending machine nearby and broke it. after waiting nearly 2 hours, they call us all to the audition room in groups of 30. then we're told that's it's going to be the easiest audition of our lives. "all you have to do is step forward when i call your name and tell us your favorite scary movie and why." that's it? wtf?! i started thinking. do i even have a favorite scary movie? I realized i really didn't but i knew that the more original i thought, the more i would stand out. stephen king was definitely out of the question. not that i liked his work anyway. he's a bit too wordy and obvious. Apiphany! "Bonnie, please step forward." "My favorite scary movie has to be 'The Descent' because no movie has ever scared me as much as that one. The scene with the camera" a girl in the back acknowledges the scene. "And by the ending, you don't have a clue what is going on. but it's definitely the perfect scary movie because of the action, the suspense, the very well-rounded characters, and the story itself is just great. you don't get that very often in a scary movie." I saw the casting guy smile. I knew i was golden. one of the disney kids, the girl that reminded me of snow white, said "The day the earth stood still because it didn't need blood and gore and guts because the story was so compelling." i knew she was golden too. afterword we were sent outside to meet some more casting people. "If i call your number, please stay. Everyone else, thank you for coming." First number, second number. 1579. another number. wait a second, that's me!another number. 1575.  That's snow white! we did it! out of our group of 30 only 6 were chosen. Now back to the heart of the building for paperwork. after 11pm, i finally got to leave. but i was happy. orientation is this thursday evening. then i get the full details of the character i get to portary.

by the end of the night, it really had been like an american idol audition. the original giant line was widdled down, then further, then further til finally the roles were cast.

will post again tomorrow night, if i'm not exhausted.

The Impossible

I made it. I did it. I'm home.

Thursday night about 10:30 I hit the Florida Turnpike. I knew I was less than an hour away at that point. I had been driving since 2:40 that afternoon, just me, my cat, and bunch of road tunes. Oh yeah, I did have about 10 phone calls on the way down. I guess that's what happens when you post on Facebook for your friends to call you since you'll be driving for 8 hours. lol. It definitely worked. Anywho, as i was driving down the Turnpike, it became very clear to me that i had made it home. 

Fireworks began to cover one part of the sky. I giggled. i knew i was home. Suddenly this song came on the radio that i honestly hadn't heard in years, practically since i had first moved down in 2002, when the song came out. Flabbergasted, i realized "I did it! I'm home." I kept repeating the words because they didn't seem real. But the fireworks continued and the song honestly kept playing. I probably should've pulled over because i was crying so hard. Never i my life had i cried happy tears. it was all so surreal. I was home. I AM home.

Now i realize that hardest part of getting myself back down here was the move itself. I had to get up enough strength to do it. Like a bandaid over a deep wound, i just had to pull it off. i had to let the past be the past and push forward on my own.

Now i'm here and i'm not backing down. i just gave up my really good job, my comfortable home, left my family, and leapt. i did it. i made it. I am home.

Unsinkable ships, sink
Unbreakable walls, break
Sometimes the things you think would never happen
Happens just like that
Unbendable steel, bends
If the fury of the wind is unstoppable
I've learned to never underestimate
The impossible

All My Bags Are Packed, I'm Ready to Go

Today i made a phenomenal discovery. one that could change the way think... or maybe at least the way we pack when we move or store something. being a bonafied packrat, i was already a huge fan of SpaceBags, those killer bags that you suck the air of with vacuum cleaner hoses. Anyway, i found the Spacebag Cubes and OH MY GOD! I am in love.

Sit them in a box or a storage bin when packing them. then use the vacuum hose to suck out all the air. And POOF! The bags will conform to the bins! How nifty!! Works even better when you sit on the bag as you suck out the air. lol!

Anyway, I'm almost packed with everything for the big ol' move to the city. I got my car back today after a little run-in with the evil Georgia emissions inspector. Since my birthday was Sunday, my tag expired. YIKES! so i thought. Went to the mechanic to pick up the car then decided to drop by the county tag to sweet talk them into giving me a temp tag while the work was finished on my car.

IT TOTALLY WORKED!! Don't know how, but it did. Now, nothing is in my way of getting outta old Dodge, this coming Thursday night. I'm so excited. Doubt I'll be able to sleep. 

Oh yeah, tomorrow is the season premiere of Bones on Fox. Love that show!! Then bye bye Georgia... after I kick Mom's ass at another game of Scrabble, of course. beat her tonight by more than 150 points!! lol! Didn't even have to resort to the old "KWIJEBO". Simpsons fans will get that one. 

Until the next time we meet, kiss me and smile for me. Cuz i'm leaving on a jet plane.. okay in my Audi... Don't know when i'll be back again.

All my bags are packed, Im ready to go
Im standing here outside your door
I hate to wake you up to say goodbye
But the dawn is breakin, its early morn
The taxis waiting, hes blowin his horn
Already Im so lonesome I could cry.

Chorus:
So kiss me and smile for me
Tell me that youll wait for me
Hold me like youll never let me go.
Im leavin on a jet plane
I dont know when Ill be back again
Oh, babe, I hate to go.

Theres so many times Ive let you down
So many times Ive played around
I tell you now, they dont mean a thing
Every place I go, I think of you
Every song I sing, I sing for you
When I come back, Ill wear your wedding ring.

(chorus)

Now the time has come to leave you
One more time let me kiss you
Then close your eyes, Ill be on my way.
Dream about the days to come
When I wont have to leave alone
About the times, I wont have to say,

Grey's Anatomy

I normally have better things to write about than tv but seriously, sorry couldn't resist, i cannot wait for the new season of Grey's Anatomy. i tune into Surfthechannel.com daily to watch episodes. I don't really care what happens between Meredith and McDreamy. They're soulmates; we get it. It's all of the other hot couples that I'm curious about.

Lexie and George are, oh, soooo cute.

Callie and Erica are on fire.

Alex and Izzie are like a trainwreck. You can't help but watch them.

Where's the lov for Cristina? and McSteamy?

Poor Sloan, plays Cupid for the girl he's hooking up with by sending her straight into the arms of another woman. Awwww. So sweet.

I don't know if I can wait until Sept. 25th for the premiere. Seriously, this just might be the best season yet.

Last Day

Awww, it's finally here: the last day of work before the move to the big ol' city. People keep asking if i'm sad that i'm leaving. I'm like "If i were sad to be leaving, i wouldn't leave." Duh. Seriously, i have nothing but gratefulness to this place but it is my time to move on. time to do what i have been dreaming of doing since the moment i left it. time to move forward with my life rather than staying inside this comfort zone of mediocrity.

I am very excited to be leaving on such great terms, too. so many people have been seeking me out just to give a hug and wish me luck. i feel so blessed. so honored.

my only issues now are getting my emissions passable tomorrow. then hitting the road. oh yeah, there is that hurricane brewing in the atlantic, miss hanna will just have to find herself a new place to go. i am not driving in a hurricane, although it's not like i haven't done it before. but honestly, it wasn't fun the first few times.

I Won't Grow Up

You can't make me! Today is my birthday and i'm not really sure what to think of that. 28. 28. 28. It's not right. It seems like just yesterday i was 27, oh wait! I was. There's such a big difference between 27 and 28; it seems like such a big gap. My 10 year high school reunion is coming up soon and that makes it all the more surreal because i was the 3rd youngest in my graduating class. the only ones that were younger than i was were the ones who had skipped grades. or the freaky homeschooled kids that were obsessed with spelling. ;o)

nope, i don't want to be 28. i think what freaks me out the most is the fact that by her 28th year, my mom was married with 3 kids. the 3rd, me, being born when she was 28. that is so not happening. i dunno. i'm told it's all in my head. better to be there than on my ass, right?

Idina Menzel

Idina Menzel is amazing. There is no other word to descibe the woman. i was lucky enough to get to see her in her Tony-winning role of Elphaba in "Wicked" on Broadway. Kristen Chenoweth was incredible but paled in comparison to Idina. That voice. That power. That strength. That beauty. and now, "I Stand". Her debut album consists of her and a piano. WOW. No one could pull this off but her. Watch the video of "I Stand". See for yourself.

Untitled Poetry

 and let it be said that the walls came down
and world turned slow almost around
before they knew what lie ahead
no shepherd would let be said.

be brave, take care, fear not old friend
your journey has not come to its end
the beginning sees what lies ahead
in a fate beyond what once was said

i see the seas and hear the winds
blown in my ear, no journey ends
fear asleep, a dormant past wake
no more sheep will die today

no shoes upon the barest feet
no bread before the poorest need
no blinding path of rougish pain
no binding twine to fail but gain.

upon my feet the severed past
far and away at long long last
no more answers, no more cries
no pleas, this is my prize.

Climb Every Mountain

While i sit trying to convince myself to go to bed because i have to be at work early tomorrow, i write. i am thinking. i am listening to the showtunes channel on XM, which is the one of the greatest channels ever, second only to 80's on 8. I hear the nuns singing that old song about following your dreams as i picture the family climbing the alps out of germany to escape the nazis. papa von trapp carrying little gretel on his back while maria holds the hands of the other young children.

i am inspired by such innocence and strength in shear brilliance. i remember seeing the sound of music for the first time when in kindergarten at age 5. i had never seen a projector nor a screen outside of the movie theater. i remember crying and not knowing why. i was 5. it was amazing. i wanted to be little gretel sans the nazis. i wanted to sing with my family. i wanted maria as my nanny.

now i see it as special because of the true power of the situtation. they walked on foot up the mountains to escape. on foot. no car. no plane. no train. how amazing were they. i was 5. i knew then i could do what i wanted. and be what i wanted. i am trying to be that. the strong von trapp who persevered over tyranny into greatness.

i will survive. they survived. i will trudge forward. i can do this.

Climb every mountain, search high and low
Follow every by way, every path you know
Climb every mountain, ford every stream
Follow every rainbow, till you find your dream
A dream that will need, all the love you can give
Everyday of your life, for as long as you live
Climb every mountain, ford every stream
Follow every rainbow, till you find your dream
A dream that will need, all the love you can give
Everyday of your life, for as long as you live
Climb every mountain, ford every stream
Follow every rainbow, till you find your... dream...

Do Not Go Gentle

From where i sit, the answers are simple. but standing is another story. i see the answeers and the journey ahead but when i stand up to movew towards them, i tend to freeze in fear and reverance of what else may come.

i once spent 3 months living out of a suitcase. i sometimes slept in spare rooms of friends, on couchs, once in the breakroom at work. i showered in the lockeroom at work and very rarely left. it was hard being homeless. i survived. i made it. with wisdom and perseverance i delved forward. in strife i look baack knowing what i can accomplish. in fear, i stand still waiting for something more to take place to tell me i'm no better than i was 3 years ago.

it is hard. i go forward. from here on out, i stand. ready. waiting.

Dylan Thomas once wrote:

"Do not go gentle into that good night.

Rage. RAGE against the dying of the light."

Watch me rage.

Do not go gentle into that good night,
Old age should burn and rave at close of day;
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Though wise men at their end know dark is right,
Because their words had forked no lightning they
Do not go gentle into that good night.

Good men, the last wave by, crying how bright
Their frail deeds might have danced in a green bay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Wild men who caught and sang the sun in flight,
And learn, too late, they grieved it on its way,
Do not go gentle into that good night.

Grave men, near death, who see with blinding sight
Blind eyes could blaze like meteors and be gay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

And you, my father, there on the sad height,
Curse, bless me now with your fierce tears, I pray.
Do not go gentle into that good night.
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Defying Gravity

Here we go... One more time. I swore I wouldn't do it again but i have to take that chance and leap. Alone. Ready. Scared. I heard that if you're scared, it means you know you still have something to lose. so true. so true. so here we go. here i go.

Something has changed within me
Something is not the same
I'm through with playing by the rules
Of someone else's game
Too late for second-guessing
Too late to go back to sleep
It's time to trust my instincts
Close my eyes and leap

It's time to try
Defying gravity
I think I'll try
Defying gravity

About the Adventurer

Hey this is Bonnie. A little about me...I've been on stage more times than i can remember. I pretend that i can sing... but i've always been afraid to sing in the shower. I love to sing karaoke and rock out to showtunes in my car. I love speaking in British accents even though I'm a native of Georgia.

By day, i am a caped crusader of divine sport. By night I am a geek. I love learning. I believe that if we stop learning, we stop growing. And if we stop growing, we stop living. Who could call that a life when it is no more than a comfortable existence.

I read a lot: fantasy, biography, fiction, how-to, etc.. i'm normally never without some sort of book in my hands, sometimes it's even a coloring book i carry. When i'm not reading books, i'm reading things off the internet: stories, articles, whatever sparks my interest, which is very random and nonsequential.

I love to write about what i learn and what i discover. Expression through words is my sweet release. Occassionally I even draw and yes, i'm even quite good at it. When i was little, to shut me up, my parents gave me a big box of crayons. What didn't go on the walls or carpet, went into thoughts and dreams. I've been doing it ever since.

Sometimes, i write poetry. Sometimes, i write stories (which i never finish) because if i can't put everything down in one sitting, i tend not to pick it up again. Yes, short attention span... hey look! A-Team reruns are on! 

To the Batmobile, Robin!